No More Emotional Bubble Wrap

I love the term “Free Range Parent”. I identify strongly as a parent who lets her kids roam, find their limits and explore the large world they live in. I also let them fall a lot. My kids rock climb and swim and roller blade and mountain bike because I love how confident it makes them feel.

As the mother of 3 boys I am committed to not shutting down their feelings. I never ask them to suck it up or hide their tears. I want them to express themselves and allow more “back talk” because I trust that this is how they learn to be in relationship respectfully.

But I never ever want them to get their feelings hurt. Never.

I didn’t grow up seeing men have feelings. I didn’t know that I had been trained to make sure that the men in my life were never upset, to give them whatever I can to sanitize their emotional world. When I see a guy hurting, I have this powerful, illogical urge to MAKE IT GO AWAY.

In my marriage I catch myself calculating how hard it might be for my partner to hear my truth, know how I feel about something. With the boys it isn’t so much about my hurting their feelings but my struggle when they tell me about their friends or teachers and the struggles that they face with being hurt. When I see them tear up about a harsh word, I go all momma bear and want to yell at someone, protect my baby and make someone pay. I consider changing schools or homeschooling or buying them a pony when in fact all that they need is for me to be present…the hardest thing for me to do.

Many critics of marriage counseling say that in order to keep men engaged in therapy- something that makes many of them uncomfortable, therapists have coddled them, asked more of their partners and treated them like children. I know this and push against it. Sometimes I find myself asking the question that I know his wife wants to ask. I can push where she cannot. And I know, I let them off the hook and go easy more than I should.

I am surprised at how many women report to me that they are turned off by how needy their husbands seem. We were raised to believe that we were the needy ones and that marriage guaranteed me big strong shoulders to cry on. Men are allowed to get angry, but only carefully. They are allowed to get excited but only about sex and football. They can cry, on their wedding day, the birth of a child, when their mom dies and when watching Brian’s Song…more is considered excessive. And they must at all times be certain. They must know where they are going, what they want, who they are and how things work. Always.
I am working on this. I am working on noticing a man’s feelings and watching where my crazy monkey brain goes with that. I am building my tolerance to men who are uncomfortable or hurt or confused or silly or lost. No momma bear, no buying ponies and no hiding my own truth. We’re going to have to fix this bullshit gender stuff one way or another. I pick the messy, emotional, and honest path ahead. No more bubble wrap.