Category / Attachment / emotional intelligence
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Feelings, Shmeelings, What’s so Great about Feelings?
I have spent my whole life working on being great with feelings- oh, I mean other people’s feelings. My feelings… yeah… maybe that’s a second half of life project. When I was a much younger woman, a guy I was dating argued that the problem was that I whispered my feelings. How was he supposed to know it was important if I only whispered my feelings? I ditched the guy…
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I want my kids to feel lousy… well… kind of
Try this- read this to yourself (or out loud…interesting at work) I want my kids to feel (insert feeling) mad- sad- worried- abandoned- frightened- bored- embarrassed disappointed- insecure- foolish- guilty- lonely- ashamed- rejected- tense You ok with that? These are the feelings that we have decided are “negative” feelings… obviously these are the uncomfortable ones. The rules of the game for giving your kids emotional resilience and a deep emotional…
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I’m Done with Positive Thinking
I think I found a New Year’s intention…. it might sound weird but I am taking a radical stand against positive thinking. I am enthralled with a new book- The Antidote: Happiness for People Who Can’t Stand Positive Thinking by Oliver Burkeman. I will admit that I am only on chapter 3 but I have been highlighting like mad and re-reading, looking things up in a way that hasn’t happened…
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Naughty Behavior at Target
Kids are terrible at Target. They demand stuff. They’re loud They run away. The touch everything They can’t control themselves. Everything and anything can cause a meltdown. At Target (where I spend way too much money and half my income) I hear “stop that”, “put that down”, “no, we are not buying toys today”, the dad negotiating “if you can be good, we’ll get a cookie” the mom threatening “knock…
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Those Stupid F@#$%ing Clowns
Someone is having fun with us over anxious parents and our stressed out kids this week. What kind of asshole says “How about I dress up like a scary clown and wander around near kids like I’m a child abductor? Won’t that be funny?” Yesterday’s Strib– “A 15-year-old girl seized on the national “scary clown” craze and posted on Facebook a violent threat to residents of many Twin Cities communities,…
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Thinking about Tomorrow
My boys and I are watching old episodes of Glee (to them Glee is an old show). Last night they were signing the Fleetwood Mac’s “Don’t Stop”. Don’t stop thinking about tomorrow Don’t stop, it’ll soon be here It’ll be even better than before, Yesterday’s gone, yesterday’s gone Joey said- “Wait a minute, I…
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Undoing Crappy Emotional Coaching
My 14 year old begins high school on Tuesday. He’s been a bit stressed about it. He said “I just wish people would stop telling me it’s going to be ok. They don’t know that and it feels like they’re lying to me.” A thread on Facebook discussing loss and stupid things people say- “It’s for the best” or “God has a plan” or “God doesn’t give you more than…
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Men are Distant/Women are Moody
Between my personal life and my work- I do marriage 24/7. The greatest mystery to me is how we could socialize men and women so differently and expect them to play nicely. To women, men seem distant, emotionally unavailable, shut down, cold and when pushed angry. To men, women seem moody, intense, illogical, unpredictable and when pushed a little crazy. (I acknowledge gender conforming, hetero-normative stereotypes that do not describe…
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The Best Mindfulness Doesn’t Happen in Our Heads
Criticism lives in our head. Compassion lives in our hearts. When hurt or scared most of us move into our heads where we feel safe and in control. When relationships overwhelm us we harden our hearts and think too much. We think about our partner’s mistakes, our kids’ struggles, our families weaknesses and our own shortcomings. When we are connected to our feelings, we remember that people are mostly doing…
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Attachment Wounds Pt 3
Attachment Wounds Pt 3 If all goes well in life, you get to navigate relationships from a position of secure attachment. If your childhood experiences or messed up adult relationships have screwed up that attachment you get anxious or dismissive, preoccupied or avoidant or some messed up combination of these are your relationship baggage. Intimacy scares you or emotions and needs scare you. Because you are terrified of being hurt…
