Change might be scary but the alternative….?
- Status quo bias is an emotional bias; a preference for the current state of affairs. The current baseline (or status quo) is taken as a reference point, and any change from that baseline is perceived as a loss.
Status quo bias means that we place a higher value on something that we have then on some future thing. What we have is important to us and we hate giving up what we have. In the world of finance, stocks we own we hate to sell because they are ours, not because of their logical value. This is why some people get seduced by nostalgia and begin to long for some false “good old days” when families were happier and life was simpler. In order to address gender and race inequity we have to be willing to give up the what feels normal. “Good old day” families had a higher rate of domestic violence and child abuse. We have to tear things apart to make things better.
Change is often experienced as loss. In our relationships, we miss what we used to have more than we value what we have gained. We remember being in love, dating, getting married, romance and even being single with a distorted sense of value and we forget that there were things we had to move past to get to the long term values of family and commitment and stability and the deeper sense of intimacy and trust that only comes with time.
I am clear that 20 year old me would be totally impressed with the life that I have. I know that everything I hoped for and more has happened in since I got married. I have a beautiful home and a great professional life and two amazing kids and a husband who helps it all happen- we make an amazing team. And it is hard and lonely and frustrating and there are moments I hate and there are things I didn’t see coming and marriage has revealed things about him and things about me that surprise and at times disappoint me. Life is life. The great wonderful big things come wrapped up in lots of mundane and irritating life things.
Big decisions bring up our fear that movement could make things a hell of a lot worse- out of the frying pan into the fire. Marriage counseling is like this. People are afraid that talking about their relationship will rock the boat or shake things up and seek help only when things are so terrible, it seems there is nothing left to lose.
I wonder what the next 10 years will bring. What will I have to lose in order to grow? What is ahead that I cannot even imagine? Isn’t this how aging occurs? I know that I am wiser and calmer and happier and fatter and slower and greyer… there are things that I have lost but the things that I gain continue to amaze me.
This week- Consider the things that you miss. Consider what life was like 5 years ago that you wish you could recover. Think about being single. What did you get to do that you miss? Just face some of it. Think about what really matters. It may be that you accidentally let go of something that you can and should recover. Being a parent, being married, growing older doesn’t have to mean a debilitating list of losses. Just let go of the stuff you don’t need anymore and make some room for what really matters to you.
