A Meditation on Times of Uncertainty

In November 1980 I was 17- the last year I didn’t vote. Ronald Reagan was elected and I was devastated. The end was near. This warmonger was going to have his finger on the button. When I look back, it is easy to dismiss those fears…well because they didn’t happen. The past is nothing if not predictable.

In November 2008 my sweet 4 and 6 year old kids witnessed my voting for our first African American president. It was a time of great hope but let us not forget that it was a time of uncertainty.  We worried for this young family’s safety. We feared something would go terribly wrong. A lot of eggs were in that basket- we knew the world was watching. And let’s not forget that in 2008, he believed that gay marriage was an issue for churches, not the state. He wasn’t a perfect candidate. Somethings go better than we expected.

This week the uncertainty is powerful. I feel like we are moving into uncharted waters and the boat might be leaking. I don’t have any idea what to expect in this new term from our new president…or my new (less than appealing) U.S. Rep.

When we don’t know what’s going to happen, humans have a couple of predictable coping strategies.

I could bury my head in the sand. Tell myself that all will be well. Convince myself to ignore the concerns of those around me. Denial lets me pretend that the uncertainty isn’t there.

I could catastrophize. I can walk through the darkest alleys of my imagination and make myself sick with dread. Catastrophizing lets me pretend that preparing for the worst is actually doing something and certainly better than uncertainty.

I could look backward. Those who don’t know history are doomed to repeat it. Comparisons to Reagan (well that wasn’t so bad) or to Hitler (we swore we’d never let that happen again) are our attempts to predict. Predicting lets me pretend that I have more certainty than I really do.  

I could look forward. I could plan and speculate and make lists and research and google… google everything…because more information is the answer to uncertainty. Moving away from the present lets me distance myself from today and lets me convince myself that my future is one where I actually obtain this elusive certainty I crave.

What does it actually feel like to be uncertain? Mostly we push away from our most complicated feelings, striving to land somewhere we get our feet. Mindfulness asks us to be with, observe, allow, and stop resisting our feelings- all the feelings, even the messy ones.

I am working on embracing my uncertainty- in politics, in parenting, in planning or not planning my future. Untethered. That’s the word that resonates with me. (Ok-borrowed this one from a great mindfulness book called “The Untethered Soul”) I am untethered when I allow myself to actually admit that nothing in life is predictable or controllable or safe or planned. There is endless uncertainty.

Get up. Make breakfast. Do the work that needs to be done. Love fiercely. Fight the fights that matter. Expect uncertainty.