When people ask about my kids I say I have one grown son and two little ones. The “little ones” turn 11 and 13 this week. Not quite ready to say I have three grown sons but I can see that future.

In the Amazing Marriage 101 class that I have been teaching since they were in fact little- I walk through the tough stages of marriage with little kids. The birth of the first, the birth of the second, loyalty issues, sibling issues, lack of sleep, lack of sex, lack of time… all getting to the much easier, much stabler “Marriage in the School Age Years”.

The School Age stage of marriage starts when your youngest starts full time school and ends when you start making graduation/college plans for your oldest.

For us those years are 2009-2019. I guess we’re maybe halfway through already.

They are years that you get enough sleep.

They are years it is pretty easy to get out for an evening, even away for a night.

They are the years that things change very slowly.

I coach so many parents on how to survive the terrible twos or the threeteens or the lying stage kids go through at 5. Turning 13 is a big deal for Joey but 13 isn’t different than 12. They both do their homework, most of the time. They both need a good push to clean their room. They both sleep in on weekends. They mouth off more than I want but enough to make me proud that they feel safe to say stuff to me.

This is the next 4-5 years… until we start formally saying goodbye to the school age years.

My family spent 6 days in Mexico together, including the grown kid and his grown (and lovely) girlfriend. I think it was the first time we have spent 6 days together in 10 years. We have a great relationship. He mouths off to me when he needs to and asks for guidance when he wants it and can turn to me for support but turns to his girlfriend more. That’s the future I hold out for the “little ones”.

The bulk of the hard work is done before they go off to school. The relationship building, emotional intensity gets rework and revisited in stages that circle around but get easier every time.

I don’t honestly remember how hard it was when they were 2 and 4. I know it. I see it in families with little ones. I know I got through those years and did the work that was there to do. I guess I just wanted to reflect this week on my journey and let you all know- it is powerful, and messy, and tough because it matters so much.

Kiss your babies for me.

Maureen