Tag / attachment
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Into the Marriage Votex
I love doing marriage work. It is deeply rewarding to be trusted with a couple’s most valuable resource at a time of fear and hurt. For 15 years I have studied the patterns, the stages relationships go through. I see how they get built, how they break down and how they heal. I ask people to give me months. I have to walk them slowly out of a mess that…
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Men are Distant/Women are Moody
Between my personal life and my work- I do marriage 24/7. The greatest mystery to me is how we could socialize men and women so differently and expect them to play nicely. To women, men seem distant, emotionally unavailable, shut down, cold and when pushed angry. To men, women seem moody, intense, illogical, unpredictable and when pushed a little crazy. (I acknowledge gender conforming, hetero-normative stereotypes that do not describe…
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Attachment Wounds Pt 3
Attachment Wounds Pt 3 If all goes well in life, you get to navigate relationships from a position of secure attachment. If your childhood experiences or messed up adult relationships have screwed up that attachment you get anxious or dismissive, preoccupied or avoidant or some messed up combination of these are your relationship baggage. Intimacy scares you or emotions and needs scare you. Because you are terrified of being hurt…
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I Do Love Dads
Old Navy got into hot water over this Father’s Day t-shirt. (It says Happy Father’s Day with highlighting to reveal the true message- It’s (really) her day. Funny how a bunch of professionals let that get through but it pissed us real folks off right away. My father always reminded us (back in the olden days) that Father’s Day was the day with the most collect calls. No brunch- just…
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I admit it, my instincts can be all wrong
I love the idea that parenting is instinctual. I wish that my gut reaction to my kids was always right on. Instead I swing between worrying too much to not worrying enough. My instincts are fed by my past and my socialization. My instincts are muddied by the Today Show and Facebook telling me what everyone else thinks are important. My instincts tell me that I am not enough for…
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The Bullshit Detector….Just another reason family is so damned hard.
If you’ve been following me for awhile, you get that I think it all comes down to attachment. When you love someone, sleep with them, touch them, break bread with them, they become family. And no one makes you crazy like family does. Kids make you crazy. Partners make you crazy. And no matter how grown you think you are, your siblings and your parents can still jerk your chain.…
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Our Violent Reaction to Being Hurt
The number one thing that couples fight about is not what you might think. We always fight about getting our feelings hurt. We argue about the dishes and money and time but it isn’t a fight until someone’s feeling get hurt- and someone’s feelings always get hurt. And the gloves come off. Attachment relationships mean we NEED the connection and support of a few key people and having that sense…
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What’s the Matter? Nothing- I’m Fine
We can judge the feelings of people we love in a heartbeat. Before they are even aware of a feeling it is in their voice and on their face. Something seems off…and it feels very personal. When something is off we have to ask- “What’s the matter?” “What’s the matter?” “Oh, I am so glad you asked. I feel so supported. It is great to know that you are paying…
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Let’s admit it- 90% of my fans are wives, most of them with husbands and most of what is out there about Valentine’s Day is ads for pink crap, flowers and candy. I covered the pink crap at Target and women’s needs around Valentine’s Day last year- https://www.marriagegeek.com/374 How about a little husband loving? Monday I am presenting at the 13th Annual Minnesota Fatherhood and Families Network Summit www.mnfathers.org so…
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Merry Marriage Geek Christmas
The gifts are wrapped. We are heading to the Imax to see Star Wars before Christmas Eve at my dad’s in Bloomington. The fridge is full of food because I host the day tomorrow. So thankful that things are slowing down and my commitment to not being busy has worked this holiday. I acknowledge the privilege I have of not needing to work today, of having my family close and…
