Big Kids- Bigger Problems? Ha! Forget that

I am in the sweet spot of parenting- big kids whose problems can be super stressful but they usually can be dealt with on my schedule. Seriously- I get breaks…lots of them.

People say “big kids, bigger problems” and there is some truth in that. This week we are dealing with school shit and friends with suicidal feelings and anxiety about job hunting and health concerns and a dead parakeet. And then there is the list of my big kid problems we won’t go into right now. The thing about big kids and their big problems is that they are only mine to support and coach, not mine to carry. The hardest part is that I cannot fix a damned thing in their lives anymore. Nothing. I can’t make school play nice or protect them from their friends having serious problems or get them a job or make them feel better and I cannot fix a damned dead parakeet. I can just be there with them in the struggles.

Early childhood, which spans the period up to 8 years of age, is critical for cognitive, social, emotional and physical development. During these years, a child’s newly developing brain is highly plastic and responsive to change as billions of integrated neural circuits are established through the interaction of genetics, environment and experience. Optimal brain development requires a stimulating environment, adequate nutrients and social interaction with attentive caregivers.

Fuck early childhood…way too much responsibility. I made the sacrifices and I have no (few) regrets. They got pretty optimal brain development and now what they do with their beautiful brains and integrated neural circuits is on them.

Don’t let you tell people to savor these years. Survive them. Plan for the easier years ahead. Do the tough work, nothing matters more. Early childhood can’t be outsourced. Of course good childcare or supportive family members can make it easier but because attachment is primary, even when you’re not there, it is still on you. You are carrying the weight of their world on your shoulders, no wonder you’re so freaking tired.

And how is it fair that your rookie years as a parent are their most vulnerable? Who put you in charge of a newborn? No experience as a parent, hardly raised yourself? Still trying to unpack you family of origin issues and resolve your own attachment wounds? Me, I’ve got 34 years of parenting experience. Nothing rattles me anymore…and I’ve got the ones who are dressing, feeding and babysitting themselves.

I don’t know. I wish I could make it easier for you all but somehow it is trial by fire. You and your kids survive this insane period of growth by leaning in, loving hard and making a million mistakes. And the bond grows until it supports a relationship where we are in this together. There isn’t a stage of life where you get to be done being scared and insecure and out of your element. Instead you get to be a bunch of big kids…all messed up together.

Maureen