I am so sorry- That must have hurt

My 15 year old likes to give me lists of things he thinks I did wrong in his (long ago) childhood. Mostly he’s just giving me shit. In fact, that seems to be a theme of the deep connection I have with all three of my sons, they love to give me shit. Yes, I did that.

Last week Zach said “You know what I really liked from my childhood? When I would get hurt you would always say Wow- that must have hurt! It made me feel like if it would have hurt you, it was totally ok that it hurt me.”

He was mostly talking about falling and messing up his knee, things that needed band aids but I hope I got this one right for hurt feelings to. I didn’t know that my expertise in life would end up being “how to appropriately recognize and respond to feelings in the human male.”

Of course I would never do the whole “boys can’t cry” thing with my son but seriously, it just isn’t that easy. My experience in life has mostly been in fact that men don’t cry. I don’t think I have ever seen my father cry or talk about being sad or hurt or any one of those feeling words. He worries but then says he doesn’t. He gets angry and then says he isn’t. Ditto a bunch of men in my life who grew up with pretty decent dads who also never cried. Saying that it is ok for men to cry is very different than actually experiencing it. I appreciate the existence of earthquakes and tsunamis but I think a real one would freak me out.

People tell me their big drama relationship stories all day. That’s what I do for a living, mostly I listen and reflect big feelings. Years of this and you start to notice things- patterns, threads, trends. The answer to the big drama is “oh, that must have hurt”.  “Oh you got your feelings hurt” is so dismissive. We need permission to have the hurt in order to decide what we want to do next.

Relationships have ended, violence has occurred, wars have been wagged, so much destruction is related to our reaction to our hurt feelings. In fact, it is our capacity to have our feelings get hurt, feel the burn and act with integrity that gives us growth and intimacy.

Defensiveness- hurt feelings.   “I didn’t do anything-  I don’t deserve this.”

Yelling- hurt feelings. “How could you?”

Disconnect- hurt feelings. “Not like I care anyway.”

Distrust- hurt feelings. “I knew you would.”

Silence- hurt feelings. “You know what you did.”

Retaliation- hurt feelings. “I’ll show you.”

Tears- hurt feelings. “What an asshole!”

Shame- hurt feelings. “Who would do something like this to someone they love?”

Maureen Campion- I specialize in the diagnosis and treatment of hurt feelings. I do not specialize in the prevention of hurt feelings. I cannot counsel safety, distance, or numbing out. Pain is a teacher and a motivator. We need to develop our ability to read the pain and respond appropriately. Hurt feelings show us who cares, who is callous to our needs, who isn’t safe.  

Take a minute and find the most recent memory of getting your feelings hurt- likely the past 24 hours and likely someone who means a ton to you. Pull up a memory- find the hurt in your body. Being able to recognize exactly what “hurt” feels like for you is powerful. This is your compass, your alarm system.

Feel hurt. Recognize and honor the hurt. Be ok with that it is totally reasonable for you to hurt. People who love us hurt our feelings. Being hurt is part of being alive, being in relationship. Be hurt.

Breathe. Know you aren’t going to die. Deepen your tolerance for being able to actually have the feeling. Don’t discount. Don’t numb. Don’t explain or defend or strike back or shake it off. Feel.

Now… what do you want to do? In a safe, loving relationship the next step should almost always be “OUCH!” Some version of hey- that hurt. Some version of honesty, intimacy, vulnerability.

That’s it. Relationships grow as we learn how people are hurt by our actions and how their actions hurt us. We can’t help but be hurt or to hurt but we can learn to be careful and kind. We can work on staying connected to our pain and to the pain of those we love…just for a minute.

There is amazing power in asking someone to see and respond to our hurts.