Can Anyone Get Past that Protective Coating?

We come into the world naked and vulnerable – at the complete mercy of the people we are born to. Then a bunch of stuff happens and we put on protective layers to keep from getting hurt, cover our vulnerability and hide the messiness of who we are. Fully clothed we try to bond with someone who looks strong and safe underneath all their layers. We start this weird game of “I’ll show you mine, if you show me your’s”. We allow ourselves to get naked, at least physically if not emotionally because it is really hard to connect through the protective layers.

We only feel safe in relationships where we are accepted in our nakedness. How can we trust that anyone loves us fully when they haven’t seen us fully?

Often when I see couples in my office they have stopped being naked with each other. They may have revealed themselves in the past but marriage can be harsh. Sometimes the only way to survive is to go back into hiding.

We live in a culture that over values independence. Attachment relationships require leaning on each other, trusting each other, even a healthy needing each other. Marriage is a battle of your need to feel safe and secure independently while giving up a chunk of that safety in order to build something bigger than yourself. No matter how great our relationship is, no one is going to catch you every time you fall. Sometimes you fall on your ass and that hurts.

Sometimes we tell ourselves that it is just easier not to trust, not to lean and only count on ourselves but we deeply need connection. We need to be seen, we need to be accepted and we need to be nurtured. And that means peeling off some layers.

It is hard to connect when your partner is pissed or critical all the time.
It is hard to connect when your partner is zoned out, plugged in, distracted all the time.
It is hard to connect when your partner only needs you for chores or sex.
It is hard to connect when your partner is too busy all the time.

Those are protective layers that keep us safe and lonely.
Taking off those layers means admitting you are hurt or scared.
Taking off those layers means admitting that you are lonely or in need of comfort.
Taking off those layers means admitting that you haven’t got a clue how to take off all the layers but you are willing to try.

This week consider taking a few risks with the people you love. Have some hard conversations. Admit some scary shit and find the connection.