Attunement= Presence + Curiousity

Interpersonal Neurobiology

Last week I shared my intro to Interpersonal Neurobiology and the power of Presence…not presents. Interpersonal neurobiology focuses on brain development’s connection to learning, mental health and relationships.

I shared Dan Seigel’s acronym for connection- PART Presence, Attunement, Resonance, and Trust. When we connect effectively with someone, we turn on their social engagement system. Engagement allows parents to both impact and learn from their kids, partners to build something between them and therapists to create a healing alliance.  Our brains are designed for relational influence, learning, and growth.

Presence- choosing an open minded, accepting state stance with those we care about.

Attunement– focusing on the internal state of the people we care about, rather than the just their behaviors.

Resonance- allowing ourselves to be shaped and influenced by our experience of those we love.

Trust– mutual resonance allows shaping and responding to the person we care about while knowing that we are also shaping them.

Presence is the actively chosen stand of being curious and accepting and loving. Are you here now? So, what’s next?

Part 2 Attunement

Attunement is moving our focus from open towards- taking in the essence of another.  Presence plus attention. Our brains, built to create connection begin to notice patterns and signals, assessing their internal world. We notice tone and timing, facial expressions and choice of words. We soak in all the information we are receiving, making sense of who that person is. Who they are with us, changes our internal experience. When we are tuned in, others feel like we get them and we feel we truly know them.

Why is it that those we love the most often feel misunderstood? We can be so caught up in our own world that we are unavailable to them.  Attunement means being open to who that person is in this moment, not who you assume them to be, want them to be. If we are assessing people from a history of hurt, we are watching to see if they are going to hurt us. If we bring fear rejection or criticism to our relationships, are focus can be sensitive to those patterns in a new relationship. In order to create the best connections, we must be willing to consider that we don’t know as much as we think about we do and be open to new and surprising information.

Want to up your attunement game this week? Want a profound connection with someone you love? Play dumb. Maybe you don’t really know them. Maybe there is a ton more you could learn. Attunement is the sweet spot- you feel it, they feel it and the relationship is fed in attunement.  

This week pick one person to exercise your attunement muscle with.

Be present. Apply a healthy dose of scepticism. Be wildly curious. Have the courage to learn hard truths.

Be open to new information. What has changed?

Admit you have made assumptions. What did you get wrong?

Be willing to hear concerns. Where are you hurting them?

Know that feelings are complex. What else is also true?

That’s it for now. Just slow down a bit, listen fully, accept with warmth and believe in the deep power of connection.