How Do You Think People End Up Divorced?

I have been working with a client who is increasingly disappointed in her husband’s behavior- which at times feels emotionally abusive or sabotaging. The other day she had one of those wonderful “aha” moments- “I used to think that people got divorced because they wanted to get divorced. I am going to end up divorced and it isn’t what I want at all.”

Yes! People can be so damned judgemental about divorce because until you find yourself backed up against a wall, it seems easy to not get divorced. Just don’t give up. No matter what.

When marriage is good it is so good. Two people supporting each other makes the whole world easier. Coming home to someone who has your back, even if things get rough. You are in it together.

Our partners have enormous power. Their words matter. Their actions matter. They can be our home base, our security. They don’t have to fix it, they just have to be there.

But that power can also be dangerous. A look can burn. Disappointments are hard to shake off. Attachment relationships are tied to the shit from our childhood, our deepest fears. And although there is a ton one person can do to improve a relationship, at some point it is hard not to consider giving up. How do you know it isn’t always going to be bad, it isn’t going to get worse or it isn’t a terrible mistake to stay?

My clients don’t get divorced easily. When a new couple walks into my office I ask them for 6 months. Give me 6 months of hard work and I will either give you a better marriage or a better divorce.  Because I am good…but I am not that good. I can (almost) always make the relationship stronger but sometimes there is just too much damage done. Just how long can you drive a car with the check engine light on?

People get divorced when their partner refuses to listen. People get divorced because nothing they do seems to matter. People get divorced because letting the kids see you this angry or this unhappy can’t be a good idea. People get divorced because everyone around them thinks they married an asshole/bitch. People get divorced because there is nothing more painful than being married and lonely. People get divorced because they can’t do it anymore.

I will say this until I am blue in the face….it only takes one person to get a divorce. You cannot stop someone from divorcing you. By the time someone is done, it is super hard to get them back. By the time someone is done, they have said and done everything that they know to do for years.

Is the check engine light on? Are you heading for divorce? Are you ignoring your partner’s concerns or are you the one being ignored? Maybe the only thing you can do is remind your partner that you really don’t want to get divorced and neither do they. Pull over. Stop and have a hard conversation.

Because marriage is so good when it is good.