Love Deeply

The Life Lessons Friendships Offer

I was going to write about cabin fever this week but realized I did that this week last year so if irritability is your #1 issue this week read this. marriagegeek.com/cabin-fever

Guess I am going to have to dig deeper.

Yesterday, on Valentine’s Day, I saw a few Facebook posts talking about deepening our acknowledgement of friendship love rather than obsess about romantic love.

I believe that deepening our capacity to love and be loved is why we’re here. Well at least that’s why I think I’m here. I want to love my kids and my family and my friends and my partner and my community and the world. I know that I have to get  past my self doubts and fears as I work to deepen that capacity. I know that loving people makes me bump into all of my baggage and limitations.

Unrealistic expectations of romantic love can lead to frustration, resentment and dissatisfaction. No one can make us happy. Love is never easy. Security and meaning are not found in other people. People are messy and complicated and unreliable. The deeper your commitment, the more your feelings can get hurt.

Friendships offer us amazing opportunities to practice our core relationship skills. We work on the balance of care giving and care receiving. We work at deepening intimacy by having hard conversations, getting our feelings hurt, trusting, being disappointed. We count on people and allow them to count on us. We turn to them for comfort and make sure they know they can turn to us as well.

We talk a lot about how to pick a good partner, but picking good friendships is complicated as well.  Our early attachment model deeply influences who we think are “our people”. For better or worse, we are comfortable with people who feel familiar to our family of origin or who need us in the way we like being needed. For better or worse, the people we bring into our lives are agents of change. The work we sign on for can be growth producing or it can reinforce our rough spots. We invest in some friendships that mirror our earliest experience of not being safe, not being supported or not being seen. We give too much or put up with too much or don’t push because we haven’t seen a better model. But sometimes we bring people into our lives who challenge us to grow and lean in, to trust and to be vulnerable. Who offer us a chance to heal our deepest hurts.

When I look my personal journey, especially since the birth of my youngest 2 and learning about my own attachment wounds, I see the enormous influence my friendships have had.

How can friendships strengthen our heart muscle?

Take risks. Be a little more yourself. Say the scary thing. Reveal more. Ask hard questions. Lean in. Be warmer. Talk to strangers.

Start a fight. Disagree. Have hard conversations. Admit that you are frustrated. Tell them that your feelings got hurt. Be mad. Have opinions.

Set limits. Say no. Don’t settle. Don’t give what isn’t good for you to give. Stand up for yourself.

Ask for help. Tell them you are struggling. Trust that people love to be helpful. Trust that people can set their own limits. Share your needs. Figure out what help might look like. Don’t be alone with the hard stuff.

Delight. Tell people that you adore them. Play more. Throw a party. Celebrate. Be affectionate. Give lots of compliments.

Level up. Move away from the people who bring you down. Move towards the people who challenge you to grow. Surround yourself with people who are happy and strong.

Be generous.  Lose yourself in the service of others. Give without fear. Give without strings. Be an amazing friend.

Forgive.  Apply a bit of compassion. Figure that people are doing the best that they can. Learn to hold people accountable and then shake it off. Getting your feelings hurt is the price of being alive. Get your feelings hurt a lot.

When I work with people on intimacy, I often talk about getting naked. I’m not sure we need remove our clothes to get close to people but we do have to remove our armor, We have to be more fully ourselves in our complications and flaws. When we get naked, it encourages those around us to get naked too.

May your life be full of the hurt feelings, disappointments and the growing pains that only happen when we open yourself to love.