Setting Hard Limits with Love

When we talk about relationships- with our kids or our partners, we can only tell one side of the story. They did this. They said that. I was trained to think systemically- knowing that all behaviors occur inside of relationship.There are no individuals..we are just bumping into fragments of relationships. I listen for what happened just before the story starts, what isn’t being said, what the other person might tell me.

Recently it became clear to me that a lot of people (maybe this is a good Minnesota thing) are struggling to set clear limits with people that they love. They misunderstand what is honoring and supporting and have gone too far on the acceptance scale.

Car seats are the best example of hard limits with our kids. I am old enough to remember that when the laws first went into place with my first, the conversation in the community was “kids aren’t going to let us strap them in”. No one thought we could “make” our kids stay in their car seats when we couldn’t even “make” grown ups wear seat belts. Turns out we’re wrong. We KNOW that car seats are important. We have no doubts, no wiggle room around car seats.

I want you to consider that you need that kind of hard limit when faced with destructive behavior.

It is not ok for your kids to hit you. Ever. This isn’t just about you getting hit. This is about communicating strength and confidence to your kids This is the “kids need limits” thing we keep talking about. They need solid ground to land on.

This doesn’t mean punishing. It just means “YOU MAY NOT HIT ME” and then the most important thing is not hitting- the same way that car seats happen.  It is energy and tone and defending yourself. And 3 year olds hit, toddlers hit. This is when we work hard on establishing the limit. Before it gets dangerous.

The same thing happens in our marriages. Most couples have firm limits around violence… we all know that you do not get to hit your partner.  I think this message has come through loud and clear when it is directed at men. There are still too many women who think slapping or hitting by women isn’t abuse.

(If your relationship is struggling with violence you should seek the help of a professional that specializes in domestic violence. There are so many great programs that support and protect people to be safe and healthy in their relationships. www.domesticabuseproject.com)

When does a relationship become emotionally abusive? What about verbal abuse? Too many couples are not protecting themselves or their relationship from unacceptable behavior. “YOU WILL NOT TREAT ME LIKE THIS”. Here are some rules that I think should be universal.

• You will not scream or swear at me.
• You will not threaten to divorce me.
• You will not make me feel like shit by embarrassing or putting me down to the people I care about.
• You will not intimidate me by breaking stuff or getting in my face or punching walls.
• You will not freeze me out and refuse to talk to me.
• You will not make me feel like shit for saying no to anything sexual.

These behaviors do not serve your relationship. Other than the sex one, they are the same hard limits we need to set with our big kids. These things are destructive to both the person who does it and the person who has to deal with it. These are not fair or healthy. When this line gets crossed- and it does, it should be met with a hard line. “YOU WILL NOT TREAT ME LIKE THIS”. And then we stop. We don’t continue, we don’t make excuses or talk about the limit. It is your partner’s problem if they cannot accept your boundary or control their behavior. If they hear your limit and refuse to respect those limits, we have a problem- a problem that requires the help of a professional. It must stop.

We shouldn’t set firm limits on everything. Old school parenting of “making” kids eat everything on their plate or demanding inauthentic apologies are too heavy handed. And couples fight. Teenagers have attitude. We all get rude and snarky at times. Communicating our feelings respectfully isn’t easy. Setting limits is how we teach people that they have gone too far and need to back up. It is how we teach people how to love with respect.