Monsters Under the Marital Bed
When couples come in with high discord, low connection they say the right things- they want to be closer, they care about their partner, they don’t want to end things…but something big is in the way and they haven’t been able to find each other.
We all have baggage- impact from past relationships, with family, doubts about ourselves, hurts from other love affairs. We also have demons- things that we are terrified will get us if we get too comfortable.
Demon #1 The Stand By Your Man Demon affects mostly women…but given the right bad relationship history is available to men as well.
What kind of an idiot stays with as abusive/destructive/alcoholic/
Early in life, we saw examples of this either in our own family or in the media. The stories are clear cut and one sided. One person is a asshole/bitch and the other person is the stupid codependent victim. Not particularly nuanced- who wants that relationship? And yet… when there are struggles, when your partner makes mistakes or has “issues”… as most of us at one time or another will… how do we know if we are staying in a mostly good relationship with love and limits and healthy boundaries or if we are ignoring the writing on the wall?
This isn’t where I give you answers… if this monster is under your bed I just think you might want to take it out and look at it. You may in fact be staying an abusive relationship- for complicated or lame reasons. You also may be in a healthy relationships that has problems- problems that are relationship problems or problems that are fully your partner’s. No one can answer that for you. Not even me. Just be careful not to create a definition of the problem that puts you in a hopeless, powerless position.
Demon #2 The Sex as a Weapon Demon affects mostly men…but it is an equal opportunity demon.
I cannot believe you are going to just ignore my needs and punish me when I am doing so much for you. What happened to all that affection when we were first together? You certainly wanted it when we were trying to conceive. Is this some kind of test? I don’t want anyone else but I do want someone. Is this what I can expect for the next 20 years or more? And I’m not even allowed to bring it up to you? This is not what I signed on for.
Also a theme available in the media and in our own families. A theme most of us swore would never be a part of our future. It seems like couples who aren’t having sex must be doing something wrong, it must be someone’s fault. And the person less interested gets the blame. And the person pushing for connection and intimacy gets to feel like a jerk. And that cycle pushes people further apart and makes things adversarial.
No answers- just questions. Do you think being pissed at your partner and blaming them for not being interested is very sexy? Has it worked so far? We live in a complicated world that and most of us were raised with messy, sexist ideas about lust and power and passion. What looks like withholding sex is almost always hurt and sad. Be careful not to create a definition of the problem that puts you in a hopeless, powerless position.
There actually might be a monster under your bed- hell, there might be a monster in your bed. If this is an abusive relationship, if your partner actually isn’t healthy, isn’t safe please get help to get out of the relationship. If the monster looks like it is an imaginary creature of your own design, beware of leaving too soon… that monster usually follows you until you tame it yourself.
Maureen
