Our Deepest Fear is that Someone Will See That We Suck

You’ve heard that Marianne Williamson quote “Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.” I call bullshit.

I think most of us bounce between being afraid people are looking at us, and being afraid that they aren’t. How big of a footprint are you allowed? Don’t bother people. Make sure people notice you. Ask for what you need. Take care of those around us. You are important..but not that important.

I might sound like I am blaming our parents but since my focus is on our primary attachment relationships (parenting and marriage) how we got our start does have a huge impact on the journey ahead.

The sweet spot of secure attachment allows us to give and receive. It allows us to make lots of requests and manage lots of nos. It allows us to contribute to those around us without sacrificing our own needs. It allows us to be heard and to listen. It allows us to be influenced but not controlled.

If you can’t trust that anyone really has your back you lean away from relationships and make sure you take care of yourself first. This can block your ability to be generous or patient or compassionate. You are fiercely independent but maybe a bit harsh or selfish.

If you aren’t sure relationships are safe you might lean in too far, taking care of everyone else first. This can block your ability to be heard or taken care of or have messy, complicated feelings. You are deeply caring but maybe a bit reserved or indirect.

As we work on living more in that sweet spot, the place where nurturing our relationships nurture us as individuals, we grant those around us the space to do the same. We need them enough for them to trust us and we take care of them enough for them to feel safe.

My maybe not as quotable version- Our deepest fear is the we are inadequate and amazing. Our deepest fear is that we are vulnerable beyond measure. It is our nakedness that frightens us. We ask ourselves “what if you can see the real me? The messy me who is brilliant and flawed. The needy me that chooses to be strong rather than risk being hurt. The powerful me that chooses to play small rather than hurt anyone’s feelings. We were born to make manifest the glory of humanity. It is not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let it all hang out, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

Get naked. Screw up. Be bold. Hurt people’s feelings and make amends. Cry. Laugh. Love boldy and risk getting screwed.

M

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
― Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of “A Course in Miracles”