Love is Messy- We Come Unglued

The core of my professional and my personal life is the belief that all relationships are fueled by a powerful, biologically need for connection. The reason I never run out of work is that the path to connection looks wonderful until it makes us come unglued.

Walking down the aisle, most people are confident that love will prevail. No one is prepared for how brutal it feels when the person you love lets you down, disagrees with you or hurts your feelings. When you promised to love, honor and cherish you never anticipate the nasty things you can say or how mean you can be.

Having kids looks challenging but doable. How hard can a baby be, right? Lots of people you know have done it, you can ask them for advice. There are books, experts who can answer your questions. No one can prepare you for how fierce that love will feel. No one can explain how one 30 lb toddler can bring you to tears over a broken banana. It seems obvious that you would choose to parent peacefully and never use violence on a tiny person you adore. And then they throw their food on the floor…again…and again…and again.

We are driven by two primitive needs- to be loved fully for who we are and to have our gift of love be accepted fully.  We know our kids, our partners, our parents love us. And yet disagreements, criticism and anger can rip your heart out. It is hard to trust love when it isn’t pretty and calm.

The science of attachment teaches that the best advantage we can come out of childhood with is a secure attachment style- inviting, allowing, trusting love. This gives us confidence and stability inside of doubt and hurt. It allows us to apologize and reconnect after injury. It allows for deep disagreements and difference of opinion. It allows for conflict and isn’t always pretty. In order to be fully ourselves and love others as they are, we have to bump into each other’s rough spots, our deepest fears, our humanity.

Want to know your adult attachment style? Click here.

If you didn’t come out of childhood with this great advantage, you have so many opportunities to lean in and do the hard work. Love people. Messy, unreliable, mean, intense people. Love kids and raise them right, forgive your partner, challenge your friendships, find a therapist or a meeting. Build trust in your ability to love deeply and be loved securely through the messy stuff. Learn that it is there underneath it all, that it is the sun that is always shining somewhere even in the dark of night, in the cold of winter. The love is there.