Science Says We are Hardwired for Love
And even that doesn’t make it safe
I took on the “Marriage Geek” title over 10 years ago. It came at a time when I discovered that there was actually a science to love, attachment, healthy relationships. It wasn’t all magic, chemistry, romance, or poetry. Like many of you, I come to attachment work because it doesn’t come naturally to me. Loving scares the fuck out of me. Doing my work has been about figuring out why and what to do about my fear. Amazingingly- doing my personal work has been a huge asset to my professional work. Surprise! Lots and lots of people are terrified by love.
Right now I am reading Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner’s Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship by Stan Tatkin I don’t do a ton of book recommendations because I don’t think it is how most people actually grow. Honestly I mostly love books that make me feel like I know what I am doing- books that agree with me. This book is kicking my ass. I am arguing with it. I am struggling. I can read a chapter, sometimes less before I have too much anxiety to read any farther. This book scares me.
When I got my degree in 1993, I felt certain that knew all I would ever need to know about neurobiology- no one was going to come into my office wanting to talk about brains or neurotransmitters. How wrong I was. Mood and love and attachment and wellbeing and growth and sleep… the science behind the work I do is amazing!
A couple of things I know.
The human brains #1 goal is to keep us alive. Fight or flight, survival, identify threats and respond.
The human brains #2 goal is to be connected to other humans. Love, sex, community, family.
Love provides safety- our parents feed and protect, our families support and nurture. We are social creatures who need people.
Love is a threat to safety. Love can mean loss, abandonment, rejection, hurt feelings. Love can mean control, compromise, loss of identity, loss of self.
If the planets align and all goes well and we grow up in a great healthy world, we learn that goals 1 and 2 can be met simultaneously. We can be loved and safe.
If you got a less than perfect start to life you end up spending a ton of your energy trying to find a way to make love safe enough to survive.
Can you see why I will never run out of clients?
Safety over connection can mean being alone or it can mean putting up with too much crap or it can mean keeping people from knowing the real you or it can mean not asking for what you need or sharing who you are or fighting for what is right. And sadly there are people in our lives who are also putting connection over safety. They are staying in bad relationships or letting themselves be used or disrespected. They are afraid to be alone or afraid to be speak their truth. Getting the balance of safe and loved is tough. (Especially for a dating/ divorced Marriage Geek for those following along on my own messy vulnerable imperfect life.)
My work this week? Embrace the fear. Notice the vulnerability. I might get hurt. I might be disappointed. I might suffer loss. I might have to give up something. I might be stupid and wrong and awkward and messy and lonely. And needy. Oh God do I hate feeling needy. If you want to grow, you have to be scared. If you want to love and be loved, you have to lean in. You don’t get to be comfortable all the time. If you pay attention to goal #1 too much you end up with a small safe life. You can’t even get a dog because although dogs are way easier to love than humans are, they do die…and that hurts like hell.
That’s as far as I got this week. Stay tuned… I might be able to get through a few more chapters of the book this week.
Maureen
