The Powerful Habit of Reconnecting

Couples fight. Parents yell. Siblings bicker. Kids have meltdowns. Parenting and marriage and life are messy. I got into it this morning with Joey, the 13 year old over socks. He was running late for school, I forgot he had student council, he had a rough night with sleep. It was just a bump but it was a rough bump right as he was walking out the door. I heard him leaving and then “Bye mom, have a good day”. In relationship work we call that a bid- he was offering an olive branch, a chance to reconnect as we parted for the day. It was an easy one to step into- “Love you! Have a great day.”

In marriage counseling and in parenting work, people desperately want to decrease the conflict. In a hostile world, we are hungry for peace. But peace isn’t magical or peaceful or some unattainable absence of discord. Peace must come from a place of safety and respect in the face of disagreement, misunderstanding, hurt feelings, anger, disappointment or frustration.

I don’t know how to give people less conflict. I do know how to coach more connection. Think of it this way- the research says that couples have an average of 8 fights a day and by fights they counted any conflict, misunderstanding, hurt. That’s life. My kids fight that much and I fight with them that much. Attachment relationships are bumpy precisely because we care deeply and share so much. The difference between a positive, healthy relationship and a negative, unhealthy one is not in the number of conflicts. The difference is in the recovery. If you have a relationship where the average 8 fights average 30 minutes a piece for a total of 4 disconnected hours of disconnect in a 24 hour relationship…you end up with a 80% connection rate. If instead you have a relationship where the average 8 fights average 5 minutes a piece for a total of 40 minutes of disconnect, you’re looking at only 97% connection that’s a solid A.

If Joey would have left this morning without restoring our relationship, we would have been ok. I trust that we both, privately in our day would let go of the tension, reconnect to our commitment to our relationship and move on. I am super proud of the fact that he knows that connecting with me, before he walks out the door is worth whatever pride or hurt or stubbornness we both had to overcome.

But what if some of those fights lead to huge disconnects? What happens to our connection equation when the times apart start to cover hours not minutes?  If you grew up in a toxic or emotionally distant or harsh family, you may disconnect reactively. It might seem safer to pull away from people when hurt and stay away until you have resolved your feelings alone. The longer the disconnect lasts, the harder it can be to find your way back together.

I don’t know why, but I never hold a grudge with my kids. I find it super easy to start fresh with them, over and over again. Marriage is harder for me. Like a lot of couples, sometimes our disagreements linger. There are certainly times that I not only go to bed mad, but I wake up mad too. I am a sulker. I hide my hurt and lick my wounds and act as if everything is ok. Sometimes my disconnects last so long it no longer feels like it is a hurt and begins to look like how I really feel.

Learn to let go. Practice making bids and accepting them when they are offered. Notice if you are holding a grudge and notice what it is costing you. It isn’t about the fighting, pay less attention to the conflict in your relationships. Coach connection and recovery and the bumps start to take care of themselves.