Category / Attachment / emotional intelligence
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Attachment Wounds Pt 2
(Or what I did over summer vacation) If you grew up with a pretty secure attachment to a primary caregiver, you know that your feelings and needs matter but do so everyone else’s. You can see the balance and take turns. If you grew up without your needs and feelings well attended to, you had a choice- fight like hell to get your needs met somehow or cut off from…
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I admit it, my instincts can be all wrong
I love the idea that parenting is instinctual. I wish that my gut reaction to my kids was always right on. Instead I swing between worrying too much to not worrying enough. My instincts are fed by my past and my socialization. My instincts are muddied by the Today Show and Facebook telling me what everyone else thinks are important. My instincts tell me that I am not enough for…
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The Bullshit Detector….Just another reason family is so damned hard.
If you’ve been following me for awhile, you get that I think it all comes down to attachment. When you love someone, sleep with them, touch them, break bread with them, they become family. And no one makes you crazy like family does. Kids make you crazy. Partners make you crazy. And no matter how grown you think you are, your siblings and your parents can still jerk your chain.…
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Our Violent Reaction to Being Hurt
The number one thing that couples fight about is not what you might think. We always fight about getting our feelings hurt. We argue about the dishes and money and time but it isn’t a fight until someone’s feeling get hurt- and someone’s feelings always get hurt. And the gloves come off. Attachment relationships mean we NEED the connection and support of a few key people and having that sense…
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Can Parenting Be Important but not so Serious?
I blame psychology. I have no idea how old I was when I learned about self esteem, positive thinking, dysfunctional families and codependency. It certainly wasn’t in college, it wasn’t even in school. Everyone knows just enough psychology to know that everything is really your mother’s fault. Come on- just think about it. If you had been parented better, understood better, supported better you’d be taking on the world today,…
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No One Asks Darth Vader for Advice- Unpacking Authoritarian Parenting
On a mainstream parenting group there was a discussion about whether or not to make your toddlers say please and thank you. Obviously all parents want their kids to grow up to be polite and have manners and more importantly be respectful and appreciate others. That isn’t the divide when we talk about parenting. The divide is all about “make them”. Authoritarian parents have high expectations of their children and…
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If 3 year olds could vote- I’d beat Trump
Last Saturday, when it was an amazing 70 degree March day in Minnesota I had the honor of offering my Coaching Kids through Big Feelings class to over 40 parents. People who could have been outside. People who could have been doing anything more selfish than learning to get past their own stuff and give their kids a better shot at emotional wellbeing. It was a fantastic tonic after consuming…
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Teaching Our Kids the Vibrant Art of Emotions
Each of us is born with the full natural human range of emotions. Think of it like having the big box of crayons…the one with the sharpener. We come to the world able to express and feel 96 unique feelings…we just don’t have the labels yet. When we are little our feelings are raw and messy. When we turn three we start to play big with feelings. Three year olds pick a color- anger, frustration, fear,…
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What’s the Matter? Nothing- I’m Fine
We can judge the feelings of people we love in a heartbeat. Before they are even aware of a feeling it is in their voice and on their face. Something seems off…and it feels very personal. When something is off we have to ask- “What’s the matter?” “What’s the matter?” “Oh, I am so glad you asked. I feel so supported. It is great to know that you are paying…
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No More Emotional Bubble Wrap
I love the term “Free Range Parent”. I identify strongly as a parent who lets her kids roam, find their limits and explore the large world they live in. I also let them fall a lot. My kids rock climb and swim and roller blade and mountain bike because I love how confident it makes them feel. As the mother of 3 boys I am committed to not shutting down…
